New lives
by sarabrass
Summary: She left. He left. What happened next?
1. Chapter 1

She left. Everyone understood. She had to go. She had to get out of there. Everyone understood.

He left. No one understood. How could they? No explanation. They didn't understand.


	2. Chapter 2

The break room hadn't changed much. Neither had the people. Except the lack of two of their own.

"Assignments." A groan goes out. The crime rate in Las Vegas seemed to have soared beyond all understanding. No-one could remember the last time that they got to work with the others. Everyone was working solo because of the amount of crime scenes and the fact that, after two years, they were still short-handed.

It showed in more ways than one. The looks on their faces, the tiredness and short-temperdness, was one but the fact that everyone hated, wanted to forget, and could not face up to, was that they were no longer number two in the country. In fact, they weren't even in the top five anymore. Everything had fallen apart.

Grissom took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes, pinched his nose,

"Now what?"

Greg looked accusingly. "As if you don't know!" The youngest member of the team was still angry. No. That was no longer the word. Bitter. To the core. He never understood. Never wanted to. Still blamed him. God knows why. Grissom had started to believe what Ecklie had said many years ago "she's a loose cannon".

But everyone loved her, and when she left they understood. So why didn't they anymore? And where was she anyway?

He hoped that she was happy. That she had dealt with everything that she needed to.

But most of all, he hoped that he had found her. She needed him more than Grissom could admit. Could give her more than Grissom could have ever given her. He sent a prayer up that he had found her in time. Had stopped her from spontaneous combustion. Had loved her.


	3. Chapter 3

"Now, here's the deal. There is a new school for CSI's. I know you've already heard about it. It takes young wanna-be's and gives them the skills to be able to perform in a team. They have requested labs all over the country to help them. They use cold cases on a proper timeline and see how the students react. They want to give the almost graduates the opportunity to work with those already in the field. Ecklie thinks that given the low moral we could use it as a team building exercise."

Grissom looks at the rest of the team and sighs. The last thing they really need is to be locked up together with a bunch of rookies they don't know pretending that they are on top form.

"If it gets us out of Vegas, I'm in" Nick states tiredly.

"Me too" rings from Warrick.

"I can't go. What about Lyndsey?"

"Look, you don't have to. No-one can force you. It's not my idea of fun either" Grissom admits. He is too confused. When Sara left he was exasperated, but then there was Catherine. He wanted her to go, just because he had to and it was easier with her around.

"Fine, I'll go."

Grissom looks at Greg. He doesn't know where to start. He missed him. What happened to the lab-rat that was nervous around him? What happened to the fresh CSI that hung on his every word? He felt like a failed father. He felt like Brass must feel about Ellie. He didn't know how to make it right.

"Greg, you're going. Like it or not. Hate me if you like but you are going. Pout as much as you like but I am your boss and I say what goes. Unless you are really going to quit this time!"

Greg was silent. At last. Maybe that's what he needed. Someone to finally get angry with him. But in that moment he resigned himself with the fact that she was gone and he would never see her again.

How wrong could one guy be?


	4. Chapter 4

In the air. Ten thousand feet. That must be the reason. The excuse. They all looked at Greg as though he had gone mad. He was just so.. Well like Greg. Gone was the resentment, the bitterness, the stares. It was the Greg before she left and they didn't know why. Why was this trip, that he didn't want to go on, suddenly the best thing ever?

Nick and Warrick watched him. He was laughing and playing with the kid in the next row, flirting (if that's what you can call it) with the flight attendant who was way out of his league as Nick would see it. They looked at each other and shrugged. Neither of them could work out why the change. What did they not know? What had they missed?

Grissom and Catherine were oblivious to all this. They were reading up on what they were expected to do when they got to the "CSI school" as they called it. Neither of them could shake the idea that what they were reading sounded like someone they knew. Every sentence, paragraph, nuance they read they could hear in their head with her voice. A shiver went through them. Had they found her after all?


	5. Chapter 5

She was chewing her bottom lip. She looked adorable when she did that. I ask her what's wrong.

"They're actually coming. I don't think I can cope with this. What if they hate me? What if they take it out on you? What if they take it out on the boys? What will I do? They can't take an upset like that because of me! Their graduation depends on this. God, I've ruined everything. What was I thinking? Of course they would want to be involved in something new. I bet Ecklie is doing this as pay back for losing the rating of the lab. I bet they don't even want to be here. I bet..."

I have to quiet her down, calm her down. If not everyone will hear and that would not be good. She is god around here and if god has a nervous breakdown...

I do the only thing I can. I kiss her. God, how I love doing that. I feel her relenting. Calming down. Getting frisky. OK time to stop. No I said stop! Damn. Why does it take my body so long to catch up with my head at these times? Yep, that's it. Age!

"Sara, honey. It will be fine. Look I have an idea. Why don't we go to Mac's, I'll get Tom to pick the gang up from the airport, drop their stuff at the motel and meet us there. That way we will have loosened you up a little and it will be a meeting off company turf. Everyone can have a drink, get whatever they need to say out of their system and we can get the job done afterwards. Okay?"

She looks up at me. Puppy dog eyes. I know that I have said the right thing but I get the feeling I said the wrong thing too.

"So. Let me get this right" she purrs (I am in trouble) "Tom will get the guys.." all good so far, "We'll go to Mac's.." see she understands, "you'll loosen me up some..." I am in trouble. That's not quite what I had in mind. Not that I am a man that can say no. I mean, let's face it – it's Sara and everyone must know how I feel about her! Forget the rumours. The truth is far racier. What can I say, I am a man in love and a man in love will do practically anything. Even that! Don't know what I mean? Then you have never been in love!

"So, we're decided then?" She nods and I hope that she is agreeing to the same thing as I am suggesting or I am in it up to my eyes. Just in case I leave her office to find Tom and tell him the plan. He nods and gets going to the airport. God, I hope they've behaved themselves on the flight. I can just see Greg being escorted off in handcuffs because he went overboard chatting up the hostess. Please let us all survive the next two weeks.


	6. Chapter 6

"We're landing, We're landing!"

"Yes, Greg. Thanks for the update bud but isn't it the pilots job to tell us that?" Warrick was over-tired. How could he sleep travelling with an infant Greg's size? He feels a whack on his chest.

"Greg DO NOT do that again!"

"But we're landing and then we're going to go into the airport and then we are going to see her!"

"Slow down there mate. What do you mean see her? See who? What have you been hiding from us?" Nick was confused and if Greg didn't come up with any answers that made sense he was going to let Warrick beat him up.

"You don't know, you don't know! Ha you don't know and I'm not going to tell ya"

That's it. No more Mr nice guy. "Warrick, pull his hair till he tells us why he is behaving like he's on speed will ya."

"Not telling, not telling, not OWWW! That hurt man!"

"Slowly, from the beginning, tell us what you know or I'm going to get Catherine and her friends to help us torture you. Wipe that look off your face now – I mean her very sharp nails. Now tell us. Who will we be seeing and how do you know?" As calmly as Warrick has stated all these facts it's obvious that Greg will not submit. There was only one other person who might know what the hell was going on.

"Griss, do you have any idea what Greg is on about?"

Gill turned round. He actually hadn't been listening to the boys and their tantrums. He had been trying to figure out if he and Catherine were correct in their theories of who is in charge of the academy. Could it be Sara?

"What is it Warrick? We are landing any moment now and you guys better behave yourselves. Greg. What have you done now?" Not that I really want to know he thinks to himself.

"Boss. I am sorry. I was just messing with these guys heads. It won't happen again". Greg shoots a look at Warrick as if to say "Ha, it didn't work." Warrick can't believe it. Greg just lied and he usually is not that stupid. What is he upto?

Gill was wondering that too. He looks at Greg, a steely look straight into his eyes. Sighing he realises that Greg knows what he has only suspected. Sara is going to be waiting for them when they land. She is behind the academy and the training of the next generation of CSI's. It's not a shock however. She did such a good job with Greg. You could almost say that he was her first student! Griss does want to know how he found out though.

"Spill Sanders. State your source, and don't lie to me!"

Oh man, he knows too. Greg thinks to himself. Now I'm in it. Wonder what he knows though?

"It was easy really. When you told us about the trip I checked the place out on the net. They have a website you know! And there she was. Well, unfortunately no picture, but she signed off on the blurb. And besides, everything that's written even in the documents we read, sounds like her. I could almost hear her reading the whole thing out loud. Music to my ears!"

"BUT WHO?" Nick shouts "And why do you two know and not us? Why is it such a big secret?"

"I didn't know Nick, but I was reading the paperwork and have to agree with Greg. It does sound like Sara. The old Sara. The happy Sara. I can't wait to see her and catch up."

"SARA!" the shout goes out


	7. Chapter 7

She's starting to relax. Thank god for that. If nothing else I know that a stressed out Sara is not something you want to see often. I still can't believe how lucky I am. I still can't believe they're coming either. I just hope that they can see the happiness we share, the peacefulness she feels. I hope they are not angry or misunderstand what has been and what is now.

Maybe I should start at the beginning. This is a love story after all! We had always shared a special something. I had convinced myself for so many years that she was like a daughter – a replacement for Ellie. Someone I could actually help. I saw her through bad times; Hank; the drinking; the suspension; the Adam Trent saga. She saw me through bad times too; the saga with Ellie; when I shot that kid cop; when I was shot myself (I still see that as retribution whatever she says). I saw her through the good times; when she was happy with Gil; when she was at the top of her game. She saw me through my good luck. I still saw her as a daughter.

Then something changed. Or did it? Did it just become clearer? When she was taken from us I didn't feel as though I had simply lost a daughter. And I know what that feels like. It was different. It felt as though all the oxygen around me had vaporised. I was living in a vacuum. And there was nothing I could do. Gil was the grieving boyfriend not me. And he is one of my oldest friends so how could I do anything? I just did what she had done for me. Sat at her bedside in the hospital when Gill wasn't around. I know she did the same for me. When I woke I always smelled her perfume!

When she came out of hospital I of course took a back seat. But I think Gil knew. As much as everyone thinks he is unaware of what is going on around him I don't think that's true. When she started to pull away, when she finally left, it was me he went to first. Everyone was confused for a while but they all realised that she had to do what she had to do. No-one blamed her. He told me to follow her, that he couldn't, that he wasn't what she needed even though he was what she thought she wanted. He knew. So I followed, hoping that I wasn't too far behind her. Hoping I could find her, help her, save her. Then she could save me!

It took a while. I looked into her background and followed the path to Tamales Bay. Found the old guest house, her dad's grave, a cop that remembered the case. Found that her mum was still inside and camped out in front of the prison waiting for her. For a time I thought I was wrong, thought she wasn't coming but there she was a month later. I didn't know what had taken her so long, wasn't my place to ask. Yet. She walked up to the gate, saw me and stopped. I thought she would kill me, thought she would shout, but she walked up to me, put her slender arms around me and wouldn't let go. She kept whispering "thank you, thank you". There was nothing I could say. I just kept her close, so close I could feel her heart beat. So close I could feel her warm tears on my neck.

We went into the prison. Sara saw her mother, on her own. We left. She was drained so I drove us straight to the guesthouse that she had been staying at. When we got there she was asleep and as I didn't want to wake her I explained who I was to the owner, showing him my badge, and carried her carefully from the car to her room. I watched her sleep for I don't know how long and I hadn't been in love with her before, by the time she woke up there was no doubt. Angelic isn't the word for it. There isn't a word in the English language that describes how she looked, and if there is one in another language it must be twenty syllables long.

When she woke we talked. To begin with she told me what she thought I wanted to hear. How much she missed Gil, the boys, how much she had achieved since she left Vegas. But one look into her eyes 

I knew she was lying. Her truths had always been in her eyes and I could always tell the difference. I knew that the only way to get her to tell me the truth was to get angry. That was she would get angry and all those walls so tried so hard to construct had no choice but to come down. Had no choice but to allow the truth to pour out.

And pour out it did. The pain I heard about I will not share with you but to say how she did not put a gun to her own head I don't know. Everything she has lived through, in her childhood and the profession she chose, I would have wanted that out. She is brave and fearless regardless of what I saw that night. The fact that she allowed me to see it was brave enough in my books. How could she even begin to trust another human being is beyond me! But it did explain a lot. The main thing being her safe relationship with Gil. She could have had anyone in the lab, in the precinct, in the whole of Las Vegas, but she chose the one man that would never do anything about it. The one man that would always say no. Because that is what she wanted. That is what she needed. That is how she kept herself safe. Untouchable.

And that is where, when and how we lost her. Not with Natalie, not with that maniac kid. The moment Gil decided to take a chance on the one thing she never wanted is the moment we lost her. If only he knew. But then he probably does, which is why he sent me after her rather than go himself. She doesn't need him, but she does need someone. At the time I hoped it was me. Now I know it is. And everyday I wake up next to her and thank whoever is listening that she let me in, that she lets me love her, that she loves me too.

I have to get back to the here and now or I could have a major problem. I know that the gang will arrive here at some point and I can't be daydreaming at that point. The rest of the story will come out, but it is only fair that they hear it at the same time.


	8. Chapter 8

Greg was running out of the plane, down the gangway and into the lounge. Nick and the rest of them not too far behind. Greg was jumping up and down searching for a face in the crowd. He couldn't believe it. Where was she? Was he wrong? Was it not her? Did she forget? Or was she hiding? Waiting behind a fake tree to jump out on them? Where was she?

"Greg, calm down. She's not here!"

"How do you know? Why wouldn't she be here? Where is she?"

"Greg, again, calm down. There's a guy over there with a sign with our name on. She's not here. Maybe we were wrong." Gil puts his hand on the younger man's shoulders to console him. He hadn't seen Greg this wound up for years and right now he wasn't sure if he missed it or not. Greg had just not been the same since Sara and Jim left. He was far too serious, hardly went out with the other boys on the team and didn't seem to have a life outside of the lab. Gil hated to admit it but Greg was turning into him. And that would not be good! Also if Sara did ever find out she would kill both of them. Sanders for forgetting himself and Gil for letting him.

Walking over to the stranger the gang looked very morose. Tom just watched them. He had seen them almost sprint off the plane and now they all looked as though they had made a huge mistake. He figured it had something to do with his boss. He knew she had once worked in Vegas, with Jim, and was apprehensive about them coming too. Hense Tom being at the airport rather than her.. He smiled at two he presumed was Dr. Grissom and extended his hand.

"Hi, I'm Tom Kingsley. I am your designated driver tonight although usually I am the 2ic at the academy. I presume you are Dr. Grissom and team. I hope that you had a good trip. I suggest that we get your bags and get out of here. I have been instructed to get you checked into the hotel and then take you to 'Mac's' if you feel up to it. The boss is there already and waiting for you."

"Hi Tom. Yes, this is us. And please call me Griss, everyone does. This is Catherine, Warrick, Nick and Greg." They all shook hands and proceeded to baggage reclaim.

"What's 'Mac's'?" Nick asks

"It's our local pub. Just a block down from the academy, lab and precinct. It's also next door to the hotel. A perfect place for all of our police, lab rats, paramedics, you name the branch and they are all welcome. The owner is an ex-cop himself and so everyone feels right at home. Plus, another bonus for us is that the students avoid it!" Tom laughs. It was true. There was no way that a student would go in there knowing that what the people in there thought of them could help or hinder their chosen careers. Many evaluations had been written in a corner booth of Mac's by himself, Sara and Jim, and many people enlisted to do an hour or so at the academy explaining medic reports, police jargon or just giving the youngsters the benefit of experience.

They pile into the bus with their gear and head into town. Griss asks Tom more questions about the students and what they are expected to do over the next two weeks as everyone else watches the passing scenery. At the hotel they jump out and Griss and Tom check them all in while an argument breaks out amongst the boys.

"Why did you say Sara was here when she's not? There you are getting our hopes up and nothing. Tom hasn't said the name of his boss and it seems rude to ask. He seems to think that he doesn't need to explain. Sanders I can't believe you!" Nick pouted. He missed his friend and the idea that she was here was too much to take. He had tried so many times to find out where she was, but when Jim left the PD were not willing to use its resources to help anymore. He figured that Jim had followed Sara, to try and convince her to come back, but he had never been heard of since either. No-one knew if he had found her, was still following or if both were in a ditch somewhere.

"It's not my fault Ok. I really thought that she would be there. Maybe it is still her and she's at the pub."

"Why would she do that Greg? Think logically. If it was Sara she would have been at the airport. She would have been just as excited as you AND if she didn't know that we already know she would have loved the looks on our faces!" Cath states. She can't say that she was as excited as the rest to see Sara but she did want answers. And she would get them too! Why did she leave? Why a Dear John letter to Gil? Why no word to anyone else? Why did she not do as she promised and come back? How could she have done that to Gil? So many questions and no answers. Yet.


	9. Chapter 9

"They aren't coming! I knew it. They know its us and they're still pissed and they aren't coming just to spite me! Or, or, they don't know its us and they aren't coming cause they don't know its us!"

Sara had gone back to ripping the labels off the bottle of beer in front of her. Jim wouldn't have minded so much but he was still trying to drink it. "Sorry honey" she says as she realises what she has done and takes a mouthful of her OJ.

Why am I so nervous I ask myself. Its only the boys. They would never hold a grudge, sure they don't understand now but when I explain to them what happened then and what has happened since they would be happy for me right? And Gil, well he was the one that sent Jim after me so he definitely will understand, or should at least. I still can't believe he did that. Sent Jim after me. How did he know? I thought it was all in my own mind, you know, doubts about us because of everything that had happened. I never would have dreamed that Jim felt the same. Yeah right. Now who's kidding who? I knew exactly what was happening, and that it was mutual, and that it wasn't exactly something that had happened since my kidnapping. No, it had been under the surface for a lot longer than that. I have no idea how Gil found out though, how long he knew, how he felt about it. I guess I have as many questions as answers about that. I know why I am nervous. Catherine. She makes everyone nervous. She will be the first with the questions, the accusations. And she won't wait for answers either, she will just charge ahead like a steam-roller.

Why aren't they here yet? Maybe they are just too tired, although its not exactly a long trip. It should have taken them a lot less time to get here tan it took us. It took us eight months! What an eight months that was. Emotional rollercoaster is am understatement, but from the moment I saw Jim outside the prison that day I have felt safe, felt alive. Something I hadn't done in Vegas.

Speaking of Jim he's very quiet this evening. Is he as nervous as I am? For the same reasons? Probably not. He is probably hoping that Griss still feels that he did the right thing. The last thing we need is for his to be all jealous and/or condescending. I hope he's moved on, maybe settled down. He has the capacity to love he just needs a push. I would hate to think that he's gone back to his old ways.

I need to cheer Jim up. He looks dreadful. Have I really been that bad today? Probably. Just thinking about Vegas puts me down. Since we arrived here I think we have mentioned the place and the people less than half a dozen times, and most of them will have been after Ecklie answered the ad and volunteered them to come here!

"Come on you, dance with me." I nod to the guys near the jukebox and they put something suitable on and we reach the dance floor as Whitney fills the air. The selection on the box is all old stuff. Sentimental. The patrons are not exactly young so why should the music be?

This is better. I can feel him relaxing. And me too. I still can't believe that knowing everything he does about me, and he knows everything, that he not only stuck around but married me and we have a sprog on the way. Which kind of makes this dance harder than it should be but hey. He twists me round and snuggles into my back, hands on my belly feeling his son or daughter wake up and dance all over my bladder. Damn, its at these times I wish this pregnancy was over already. Jim starts singing in my ear. Bless, he can't hold a tune and this song is way out of his range but it's cute and I am not going to stop him. Mmm, I can stay like this all night.

"SARA, SARA, JIM, JIM"

Yes, Greg. They arrived then! Oh god here he comes. I hope he slows down or we are all going to end up in a heap on the floor. And I am not going to appreciate that. He's slowed. No. Stopped. He's staring. It can't be because of Jim, he's already acknowledged him. No, its my belly! Must be due to the level of his eyes. It had better be!

"Hey Greg, you made it then" I wander over and throw my arms around the poor guys neck. Again not an easy task but I have genuinely missed him. He was my first student. If it weren't for him the academy wouldn't exist! My Greg. He looks excited, confused, down-right shocked and excited all at the same time. I should move out of his embrace, which is becoming way too tight, and onto the other guys before we are here for posterity.

I move away and he moves onto Jim. Nick is nearest me and he grabs me in what I can only describe as a death grip. He's worse than Greg!

"Hey do you mind? I'm not as skinny as I used to be!" I laugh.

"Sorry, but damn I can't believe it's you. It is you isn't it?"

"Yes, it's me Nick and I can't believe you're here either. It's so good to see you and I am so glad that it looks as though you have been looking after yourself. You must tell me all about it. Or Her?"

"I will I promise, but if I monopolise you anymore the rest will kill me." He moves away and I realise that Warrick must have been poking him in the back he is so close.

"Hey baby girl" is all he can choke out. And it sounds like a choke too. It seems incredible that he feels the way he does about me after how we were introduced, but we have a special connection just as I do with Nick and Greg. We are family. They are the brothers I should have grown up with, ones that would look out for me, those who would bring their questions and problems to me. Suddenly, I realise that Vegas wasn't all bad. It gave me these wonderful men and I could never regret that!

"Excuse me Warrick but there are others here. You look amazing Sara, beautiful."

"Thanks Gil." He takes my hand and kisses it. It might seem cold to the others but they can't see his eyes. He is allowing my baby some breathing space and I silently thank him for that. His eyes show such love, and relief. He tells me everything with his eyes. Without a word. He is happy for me. He is pleased that Jim found me, that we are still together. I still need a conversation with him but that will come later. In private. Tonight is all about the whole team. The old gang.

I can see Jim having the old back slapping ritual with the boys as Gil moves over to talk to him and I am left with Cath. Oh god. It could go one of two ways. She is either going to hug me as hard as Nick , or she's going to slap me round the face. Right now I'm not sure which. Her face is definitely not giving anything away. Just get it over with Cath!

Everyone stops what they are doing as if feeling to tension and possible cat-fight that may ensue. I feel Jim coming up behind me. Not too close as to intimidate Cath but close enough to reassure me. She moves closer and puts her arms around me but its cold and she whispers in my ear "This is not over Sidle, I will not forgive and forget as easily as the others. You owe explanations and apologies and I for one will ensure that they occur." I think I would have preferred the slap across the face, at least it would be over and done with!


	10. Chapter 10

Sitting down Sara sees expectant faces. Catherine glaring, the boys deciding which of their million questions they should ask, Gil with only one.

"Guys, I suggest you get a drink cause this is going to be a long one. But I do with hold the right to stop when I'm too tired. There probably is story previous in the timeline to where I am going to start, but that really is another days discussion. For now we will start after the abduction."

She takes a deep breath and feels Jim's hand in hers giving her strength to continue.

"First I want to thank all of you for all your efforts that night. I don't think any other team would have found me in time, so don't take this the wrong way. For a long time I wished that you hadn't. You all tried your hardest to make sure that I felt that I deserved to live, deserved to have a second chance, but I didn't. I didn't deserve it and I certainly didn't take it. I knew it was over between Gil and me. It was a sham that I had dug myself into and didn't have the guts to dig myself out of. I'm sorry Gil. I know how much I hurt you. I know how much you hurt me too. I don't know if you can ever forgive me for what I did but please know that I am not the same person as I was." Sara stares intently hoping to see his emotions but as usual, Grissom gives nothing away.

"I know that Sara. And I forgave you a long time ago. I know I hurt you just as much carrying on the charade, even asking you to marry me when I knew that you would say yes just out of obligation rather than love. I knew it at the time as well as I know it now. I just hope that you can forgive me."

"I can't believe this. What do you mean Gil? When she left you were devastated. We all saw that! She destroyed you!" Cath almost screams.

"Catherine, it was a shock that was all. Sara, please do not take what Catherine just said to heart. You needed to break the cycle. You needed to take the second chance and I am so glad you did. You are obviously exactly where, and with whom, you are supposed to be and I am truly happy for you. True, you could have let us know that everything was alright. That goes for you too Jim. That was what hurt the most. Not knowing if what I had put in motion had worked, not knowing if you were both safe."

"What do you mean Gil? What did you put in motion? Are you telling us that you sent Jim after Sara knowing that this could happen?" Catherine couldn't believe her ears. Could what her friend be saying be the truth. She had watched as Gil had been destroyed by the woman in front of her. Had seen the heartache when Jim had also left. Or had she? Had it been some kind of relief when he left too? Had Gil sent him? Catherine, for the first time in her life realised that she would get more answers to her questions if she stopped asking them and started listening, so she apologised to the group and swore to keep her big trap shut.

"Thank you Catherine. As I was saying. Umm. As well as Gill basically camped out at the hospital Jim also spent most of his time off in that room. He never said anything. Didn't need to. I could see all his thoughts in his eyes. Had no-one else around this table noticed our uncanny knack of finishing each other's sentences, knowing each other's moods before we even spoke? I am sure you can all remember instances of it if you think hard. Anyway, after I got out of the hospital and back to Gil's house everything between us went back to the way it was. I was no longer in danger and so we could be simply friends again. Then I moved to swing and everything crumbled for me. I had no-one. Gil, Jim, the rest of you. I never saw you except to say hi in the corridor and it was killing me. I took it out on Ronnie, not training her as I had helped with Greg. I resented everyone and everything. I started to hate going to work. I hated going home. I hated my life, Vegas, practically everything."

Sara needed a break. Taking a long drink from her OJ she wished it was beer and formulated her next next sentence.

"When I was confronted with Hannah West again I snapped. It was going to happen at some point. I was stretched beyond human limits. I had to get out of there. There is no doubt that I did it the wrong way. I should have told you. I should have talked to someone, but I was so scared that you would try to talk me out of it and I wasn't sure I was strong enough to stick with my decision. No, please Nick, let me continue. I know I hurt all of you by leaving the way I did but I had no choice. Even now, if I had to do it again I would do it the same way. You all saw me as strong, but I wasn't, not at that point."

"So I walked out. I left a letter for Gil. It was all lies though and I know that you knew it when you read it. (Gil nods). Of course, if anyone else read it they would believe every word. I wasn't sure where I was going, or exactly what I was going to do. There were many ghosts and issues for me to deal with it was overwhelming. I can't remember how many times I picked up the phone wanting to hear a friendly voice and bottling out at the last minute because I knew that I would crumble and go back. I went to Frisco, to child services to have my file released so I could find my first foster family and find the woman who had taken me from my parent's house. That took a month! I couldn't believe the red tape. It was me I was asking about, could prove it with a number of ID's including my police ID but it still took forever. A part of me had admiration for these people who go through that to steal an identity I can tell you! In that month I started working on the ghost that was me. I found a good doctor to talk to, not only about my past but my present as it was and my future. We talked about my eating or lack of eating, talked about getting some of the sun's rays on my skin and about doing a job that would not demand so much of myself, giving me a life outside of work. That is what actually scared me the most. I had buried myself in work to ensure that I would not deal with my issues. It was my crutch as they say. I was working to forget. Getting involved in other people's lives ensured that I didn't get involved with my own."

"That month seemed to go forever but at the end of it I actually felt a whole lot better. I had taken the doc's advice, seen a nutritionalist and got my diet sorted out, spent time outside during the day in the sun, wind and rain. It felt wonderful. I felt wonderful, well mostly. When I finally got the information from child services I phoned Gil. Let him know I was ok, let him know where I would be. I had already finished the relationship in my mind and had to relay that to him. I remember the conversation well. I told him my plans and he told me that Jim had left Vegas. He said that Jim had gone to find me. I didn't know what to say, or do. So I just kept my eyes open. I saw my foster parents, met the woman who was there that day, met a couple of the cops that had run the case. They told me that Jim had already been there."

"My plans for the next couple were simple. I was going to go to my father's grave and then to the prison that my mother still is. Can you believe that she's 

still there? The day I arrived at the prison there was Jim sitting on his car! He looked as though he had been there for days. He came into the prison with me, sat there while my mother and I talked and cried. Afterwards, he drove me to the motel and we talked. A lot. Look guys, this has been exhausting. I'm going to leave it there if you don't mind."

Jim looks over and sees how drained Sara looked. "Guys let's leave it there for tonight. You have tomorrow off, the academy's books and code of conduct have been left at your hotel. We start at nine on Monday so Tom will pick you up at eight thirty. If you get bored tomorrow give me a call, here's my card, we'll barbecue! Come on Sara, lets go."

After they had left Catherine looked over to Grissom. "Now it's your turn!"


	11. Chapter 11

After a good night's sleep the couple were up, having breakfast and pretending not to watch the phone. They both knew that the gang would not be satisfied with what they had heard. Knew that there would be more questions, looks and stares. Not that the last two years had been any easier. The road trip was extremely long. In many ways! They had been through an awful lot to get where they were. They both knew that they should have kept in touch like Gil had said, but they were in no state to at the time. Both had given the other so much of themselves, and not easily. Truths had been spoken; pasts dug up and analysed. It wasn't only Sara with skeletons in her closet and Jim had ensured that he was as open with her as she was with him. There were a lot of ghosts put to rest and nightmares to ease on both sides. If the guys wanted to hear a whirlwind romance filled with laughter and happiness they were going to be sorely disappointed.

_The morning after going to the prison Sara woke up confused. She and Jim had talked for the longest time and she felt good that she had trusted him with the truth about growing up with her parents. She had told him far more than she would have ever told Gil. So what did that tell her? Still. Jim was sleeping next to her and, as good as it felt, it seemed alien to her. And wrong. Sure, she was no longer with Gil; had feelings for Jim that she could no longer deny; had told him a lot about herself the night before, but she could not allow herself to be with him. It wasn't fair to him. She did not deserve him or the happiness that they could have together. He may not have been anyone else's Prince Charming but he deserved better than the screwed up woman next to him._

_She slid out of bed, changed her clothes and left the room. She needed air. She needed space. She needed to clear her head. She needed a run! Ten miles later when she got back to the motel part of her hoped that he was no longer there, but the other part craved to see him. She knew that he wouldn't have left. And that he would have been worried. She had gone out without leaving a note on purpose. Maybe if he thought she didn't care he would go back to Vegas. Be safe from her. Maybe not happy about it, but happier than she could ever make him. Time would prove that. Standing out in the car lot she couldn't decide how to deal with walking into the room. Should she apologise? Should she just walk straight past him to the shower? Should she throw herself at his mercy? _

_It seemed like forever before she put the key in the lock. Slipping into the room she looked around and panicked. He wasn't there! How could he leave her? After everything they had already gone through? Every pent-up emotion and thought they had ever had? She had felt bad before but this was unbelievable. Her world really had fallen apart, and it was all her fault. She had shut herself off from him again. She had only herself to blame. Slamming the door shut Sara threw herself onto the bed and sobbed. Then she cried. And when she thought she couldn't any longer, she cried some more. This was it. It was official: her life was no longer worth living. _

Back in the present, Sara glanced over at Jim and smiled. It started off nervously but as she watched him smile back, it got stronger and more assured. The killer Sidle smile. She was so thankful that he was still with her. She adored him in every way possible. He made her sure of herself. Sure of life. She loved him like nothing else in the world and felt truly blessed. Not only did he love her for who she was, faults, nightmares and all, he had given her the greatest gift he could. His child.

Jim was wondering what she had been thinking about behind her smile. This whole thing of Gil and the rest of the gang being here was taking its toll on him which he hadn't expected, so who knows what Sara was going through. He loved her so much. Always had done and now looking at her and her protruding belly he knew that he had done the right thing all that time ago. He hadn't given up or given in. He loved her and her tried his hardest to prove it to her every single day. Of course, in Vegas he couldn't do anything about it, but when he left to find her he swore that he would stand by her through everything. Everything! Not that she had made it easy for him. Damn, she could be stubborn! Just when he thinks that they make progress, she goes and runs away from him.

_He came out of the bathroom when he heard her. He had already walked round the block with no luck. All he could do was go back, have a shower and wait for her to return. He knew she would. She was no longer running just from the past but the present and future as well. And she could no more do that than he could go back to Vegas. She was stronger than that he was sure. No, she would be back and he would pick up the pieces. He had vowed that he would and was not going to fall at the first hurdle._

_He lay beside her and took her in his arms. Even after a run Sara felt good in his arms. He listened to her sob and say she was sorry till she fell asleep. Why did she do it? What was she so afraid of? Did she really think he would or even could hurt her? He doubted it. So what was she scared of? Herself? He had a feeling that he hadn't heard the whole "Sara Sidle Story", but he was determined to not only stay the course but to stay around for the rest of his life. He loved her and would not let her push him away!_

_When Sara woke up Jim convinced her to take a shower while he packed everything together. He needed to get her out of San Fransisco, out of California. In fact, they needed to go somewhere neither of them had been before. Make a clean break. A fresh start. And all those other corny things they say! The shower had started up and he relaxed at the fact that Sara wasn't fighting him over his taking the reins for a while. Not that he had a solid plan. But she didn't need to know that!_

_Sara let the water soak her. She hadn't realised how taught her muscles had been even after a ten miler. She just stood there thinking about Jim. She couldn't believe that he had still been there for her. How good it felt in his arms, smelling that smell that was only him. She had known that she was lucky to have him but not realised it as deeply as now. While the water continued to cool her body she promised herself that she would talk instead of run from now on. She only hoped that it was a promise that she could keep! _

Jim smiled back at Sara just as the phone rang. He answered it and was not surprised to hear Greg asking for directions to their home. After giving him the address and directions Jim turned around to see that Sara had already left the room to get ready. They were going to have a long day ahead of them and he just hoped that they would let him do some of the talking.


	12. Chapter 12

As they got out of the cab Gil turned round to them and spoke.

"Look, I know you all want answers. Believe me, I want them too. Just, be nice huh? We are in their home at their invitation. And don't forget, answers are not always given by people but their surroundings as well!"

"We are CSIs you know and we know how to do our jobs! Gil, don't worry. We will TRY to keep it down to a minimum. I can't wait to see their place though. You're right, we can get just as many answers from checking out photos and other stuff dotted around the house." Catherine was almost marching them up the driveway and had to admit she was already impressed. There were two cars in the drive and pots full of fresh flowers outside the front door. The white-washed walls looked freshly painted and the yellow door which matched the picket fence around a small front garden, looked inviting as well as bright and cheerful.

As she got closer Jim opened the door for them and they walked straight in. Catherine had insisted that they brought something with them, so Nick handed over the shop bought desserts that he was carrying. Cath couldn't see Sara and presumed that she was hiding while they arrived and nosily looked around. Jim told them to go into the living room and stated that he would be right back once the desserts had been deposited into the kitchen.

Seizing the opportunity the group virtually ran into the living room and then stood shocked at what they saw. Above the fireplace was a portrait, obviously done in pastels and created by someone that really knew their stuff. They all stared at it intently. They couldn't find any words at all. In front of them was them! The picture was like snapshots into the past. Each member of the team was in their own section completing some aspect of their profession. Nick was in the top left-hand corner scrutinising a computer screen with his brow furled but his eyes bright; Warrick in the top right stripping a car down with his overalls hanging around his waist and motor oil smeared on his smile-filled face; Cath and Gil were in the bottom right gathering evidence in bindles obviously sharing some theory with the other with intense faces; and Greg was in the bottom left fiddling with machines in the DNA lab his hair sticking out in all directions and some up-beat tune on his lips. There were also other, smaller, portraits too of Hodges, Ecklie, a couple other lab-techs and the 

detectives they regularly worked with between the main characters in the piece. Right in the middle of the picture though was what caught their eyes the most. In what was obviously Sara's handwriting was scrawled "Our Las Vegas Family. Let them all stay safe and well." No-one could deny that they had not been forgotten as they had thought they had been.

"What do you think?" Sara chirped from the doorway. She knew what they were looking at and was pleased that they had gotten to see it. It had been her project while she and Jim had been on the road. A month or so after they had left California she had had the urge to do something artistic. She didn't know why and she didn't think she was any good. It was just something she felt compelled to do. After lots and lots of "practice runs", she had started to visualise what she wanted to achieve. She wanted to capture the gang in happier times, both engrossed in their work and relaxed in their pose, picking out individual characteristics that showed their personalities best. Every time they stopped at a new motel in a new town she had got out her pastels and started drawing. She would sketch something on standard art paper, throwing away many, many books worth. After six months she had enough small portraits and enough confidence to start properly. In every new place on their journey she included someone else until it had everyone. At the last stop she had written the inscription. They were in a pretty little town in the middle of no-where and both knew that they did not need to go any further. Jim encouraged her to get the picture framed, and six months later they hung it on the wall. It, and they, had not moved since. Her banishing of those particular demons, as well as the others, was over!

"Well? Come on, say something. It's not that bad you know."

They all turned round talking at the same time. She started laughing and so did they.

"It's beautiful Sara. We were just taken aback that's all. We didn't think that you, um.."

"Was artistic or cared? Don't answer that! How could you think that I didn't care? We both do, a lot. You are our family. The first one that I really had! The only one we share. Well, so far anyway. Guys, come on, sit down and I'll tell you how the picture came to be."

Just then Jim came in with drinks for everyone. He listened to his wife talking about the portrait for a few moments and then excused himself so he could start up the barbecue. He knew the story, had been there all those nights while Sara meticulously sketched, drew, shaded and coloured the individual scenes. Had listened to her doubts that they were not quite right, soothed her when she threatened to tear up all her hard work. It had been a labour of love, and hate. It had given her a focus to remind her that there had been good times as well as bad. Not that it made her forget the bad. The picture of Nick had taken the longest, and she had to put Gil with Cath because she couldn't bear to think of him as alone. Sighing, Jim got the food ready outside as he continued to half listen to the story and questions. The questions led to more stories, and while Jim was concerned, he knew that Sara was finally strong enough to tell them.

The food was already on the grill when they started to move outside. It looked as though Catherine had been crying during Sara's memories of happier times back in the lab and the sad and painful battle on the road after they had left. Greg was quiet as if contemplating everything he had heard and wondering why he had not seen all the signs when he could have done something about it. If Jim didn't know him he would say that he had shed a tear as well. Hell, he probably had as he was never one to hide his emotions. Nick and Warrick were on either side of Sara, helping her out the door and into the garden not saying anything but clearly unable to let go of her hands. They had always tried to look out for her and knew that they had failed miserably. The looks on their faces showed determination that they would not fail again. Something had changed while they had sat in that room and Jim hoped that it was for the better. That they were the same team that he and Sara had known all those years before, before the bad times had really settled on Vegas and they were all close.

Only Gil stayed inside, still staring at the picture above the fire. He seemed transfixed as if he was trying to read every mark on the canvas. Sara had battled with her past and won. He was so proud of her, but now it was time for him to deal with a few home truths as well. Outside Jim saw Sara nod in his direction, so he handed over the job of keeping an eye on the food to Nick and 

went inside to stand next to his old friend. Both were silent. Both knew what needed to be said but neither wanted to start. Finally, Gil started to speak.

"I never even knew she was interested in art never mind could do something like this. It must have taken a lot out of her. And you, as you watched her battle away at her ghosts; her nightmares; her fears. When we were together I ignored them all. Tried to ignore the fact they were with her. But you! You were brave enough, unselfish enough to not only help her but battle them with her. You are so much stronger than I could ever be. So much more devoted to her than I was. I saw you round her back then and convinced myself that you were merely a friend, a father figure that would clean up, and put a plaster on a scuffed knee. I convinced myself more than anything else that she didn't need you, didn't want you!"

"The first time I truly realised that I was wrong was after you had been shot. You had shared things before that of course but it was my wake-up call so to speak. She wouldn't leave you for long. Did you know that? No-one else knew that she spent as much time as she did at the hospital. Around the others she made it look as though she had only just arrived or wasn't staying long. Would stay outside the room with them instead of in the chair next to your bed where she had basically entrenched herself. Only I knew. As soon as she thought I was asleep she would go to you. She would tell me that she had to go into work early to finish some paperwork, but she was really going to you. If she had told me that she wanted to see you, I wouldn't have stopped her! But she felt that she had to hide it from me. That's when I understood your relationship. It had nothing to do with being friends, certainly nothing to do with being father and daughter. No. You were two halves of a whole. You were soul mates that could not bear to be separated for long. She was in agony because you were, and she needed you to know that she was there so that you would be strong."

"After that realisation I thought back to other instances where you had helped her and her you. I knew that you had tried to talk to her when she started drinking. I knew that, even though I was the one to pick her up after her DUI and it was me that took her home, you must have been at her door not much later. At the time I didn't think much about it, but I now know that you would have given her a lot more comfort than me. And the dressing down that she needed too. Something I could never have done. Sure, we argued all the time 

in the lab, but when it got round to personal things I just let her be. I expected her to deal with it all on her own. I saw her as nothing but strong and thought that to offer her help was to make her weak. That she wouldn't accept my help over and above the practical side of it, so why bother offering it. But you didn't do that did you? I bet you told her off for what she had done, listened to her excuses and apologies, and made her promise to talk before getting into a mess again. And she probably did too didn't she? The next time she wanted a drink she called you and you raced over and you talked it through with her. She wouldn't have wasted her time calling me."

Jim didn't say anything. There was nothing to say. He just nodded. He remembered that night. Had heard what happened from a buddy at the station and gone to Sara's apartment to wait for her. He knew that Gil had been called to take her home, so he waited in the car. Sure enough Gil had brought her back, had stayed no more than half an hour, and left. The second he saw Gil turn out of the car park he pretty much ran up to Sara's apartment and started hammering on the door. It's true that he had let rip that night, but it was also true that he had held her while she slept. All night because she was so scared. She had been scared of herself, her actions and her thoughts. And that was something that never would have occurred to the friend standing next to him now. Little more than a week later she had called him. She was feeling weak and needed someone to keep her away from the bottle. He had been working a scene but he didn't care. He was standing outside her place in less than half an hour. Anything for her!

"I also remember that shooting incident. I remember that Sara was the only one who could get you to smile and get back to being yourself. She had been there for you then too. You see? You had been inseparable even then. But I tried my hardest to keep you apart even when I didn't know that I was doing it. When Sara was kidnapped I ignored you again. I buried myself in MY pain and didn't care about anyone else. Not even Sara. I hate to admit it but it's true. Even though I didn't realise it then I was focused on getting her back because of my failure to keep her safe, not because I loved her. I even asked her to marry me just to keep her away from you. You have no idea how bad I feel and know that you have every right to hate me because I hate myself. All I can do is apologise to you as I apologised to her. I have no excuses other than I was a 

selfish and jealous man who wanted her all to myself and to hell with the consequences. It was the worst thing I have ever done. I can't blame you for not getting in touch with me, I'm not sure I would have done either but, Please Jim. Forgive me."

Jim looked up at Gil and saw nothing but pain in his eyes. He had spoken the truth. It was probably the first time that he had even admitted it to himself. Jim felt no animosity though. He was well aware of what Gil had done back in Vegas. More than him! He and Sara had had their worst arguments on the road about him and what he had or had not done for better or for worse. They had gotten over it, forgiven him a long time ago. Gil didn't deserve to be in purgatory his whole life and Jim was the only one that could set him free. Knowing, but not caring, that Gil was not a tactile kind of person, Jim grabbed him in a bear hug and held him tight. There was no way that he could speak so he let the hug say what he needed to convey: It is in the past, you're forgiven, stop tormenting yourself and get on with your life.

After a while they came apart and smiled embarrassedly. Clapping his hand on Gil's shoulder Jim led him outside to where, if the noise level was anything to go by, a party that had started. Jim smiled at the scene and relaxed even more. Maybe they had been forgiven for what they had done. Maybe they had said all they needed to say about why they had disappeared and the difficult times that they had been through, and truly been heard. Maybe their friends would be content to hear the happier parts of their saga and understand how important they were to each other. Maybe everyone here could finally put the past in the past. Maybe, just maybe, they would be allowed to move onto the present and future and show them how truly happy and alive they were, allowing them to be a part of it and allowing them to be happy also! Maybe they had truly survived!


End file.
